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Post By This just in from a festive Dancer, via HH Fri Dec 22, 2006 at 05:19:07 am EST |
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A Very Parody Christmas #12: “But like you said, you’re not that significant a character so it doesn’t really matter if you slip and fall and die.” | |
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A Very Parody Christmas #12: “But like you said, you’re not that significant a character so it doesn’t really matter if you slip and fall and die.” [The Scene: It’s last year, and Al B’s Christmas Round Robin seems to be dragging on forever. Well actually it is, since HH established that Vizh’s lighthouse is caught in this time loop where everybody has to repeat the same moment over and over again. There are TV channels like that, mostly showing Friends. The problem is caused by two transdimensional beings crashing into each other and tangling their realities - Eddie the Imp and Mad Wendy. You really don’t want to meet either of them. The Junior Lair Legion have fallen through a wardrobe into the jumbled amalgam fantasy world they’ve made and are, if I remember right, currently battling Ringwraiths. Pretty much all the rest of the cast is safely caught up in this time anomaly thingie, which means only the people who weren’t important enough to get written into the party can save them – George Gedney, the world’s most pullovered museum curator, and Amber St Clare, neglected Legion liaison officer.Actually, thinking about it, that isn’t a scene, it’s a recap. The scene is a dark windy New Zealand-type landscape with CGI Ringwraiths surrounding Kerry, Fashion Accessory, Glory, Harlagaz, Ham-Boy, Hacker Nine, and for some reason Rabito. There’s probably a full orchestral score in the background. And a DVD commentary track…] The Director: Oh, I remember this bit. It’s where we had to find a way of getting the Juniors out of being chopped up by those creatures hunting that magic ring. There’s another three hours of material that we filmed that’ll be in the extended edition. [And in the actual story…] Ham-Boy: Okay, I’m waiting for suggestions about how we stop these guys. Hacker Nine: Here, Dark Riders. Take the ring. How about that? Harlagaz: It doth lack mythic quality. Mayhap if we wert to smite them unto death or die trying? Either wouldst be good. Glory: We will need to get past these unpleasant-smelling beings somehow if we are to find and separate Mad Wendy and Eddie the Imp. Rabito: Hey, just because animals can speak in this place doesn’t mean we have to get all the necessary exposition. Fashion Accessory: Hah! Let’s see how scary these Dark Riders look when their tattered cloaks and ancient armour become pink tutus and stripey legwarmers! Kerry: So in the movie, they got rid of that ring in a volcano, right? So all we need right here, right now… Rignwraiths: Er, wait a minute… Everybody else: Noooooooooo! *WHUMPHPPPHHHHHH!!!!!* [And back on Lair Island, where Visionary’s dimensional lighthouse is caught between, well, dimensions…] George Gedney: Nobody’s answering the door. But they keep playing I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day over and over again really loudly so maybe they can’t hear us. Amber St Clare: It’s that time-loop thingie that was mentioned in the recap. You have to find a way of breaking it. George: Me? Why me? I mean, I haven’t really been a very significant character so far in this story. It would be wrong to drag me in from left field to solve the plot at the eleventh hour. Amber: cough*AvengersDisassembled*cough George: Also, the only way into this lighthouse would be for me to climb up the outside, over frosty stones and crumbling masonry all the way up to the tower. And that would be suicidally stupid. Amber: But like you said, you’re not that significant a character so it doesn’t really matter if you slip and fall and die. On the other hand, this could be your big chance. Asil might actually notice you if you save the day. George: You think I’m going to fall for blatant manipulation like that? How needy do you think I am? Amber: Yes and very. George, sighing: I don’t like heights. Well, I don’t like falling to my death really. Here goes. [*starts to climb*] Woodbend Windyway, Keeper of Interfaces, standing beside Amber looking up: That really is very brave. I hope he has a cigarette lighter with him. Amber: Why? I don’t think he smokes. And who are you? Woodbend: I’m from the other plot strand. I decided to pop over here to avoid the volcano. Amber: Volcano? There’s a volcano now? Woodbend: Kerry Shepherdson is in the other plot strand. Amber: Ah. Now the world makes sense again. George, have you thought about taking up smoking? George, halfway up the lighthouse: I’m considering vomiting. Does that help? Amber: Not so much. There’s a mysterious plot-explaining stranger down here who says you’ll need to light the flame in the lighthouse tower. Do you have matches or anything? Can you rub two Boy Scouts together? Woodbend: Not these days without being arrested. George: Nobody could mention the matches thing when I wasn’t half a mile up a slippery lighthouse tower in a high wind in the middle of winter? And who insisted there has to be a sudden blizzard for dramatic purposes? Amber: Try not to die until after you’ve lit the light, George. Otherwise this Christmas story will never end and continuity will be irreparably damaged. Like with Happiness. George: Well, I wouldn’t want to leave a massive unexplained plot gap in the middle of an otherwise classic storyline. I don’t think I could live with that kind of guilt. It would make me the lowest kind of scum, letting all my friends down like that. It would… aaagh! Amber: What? George, are you okay? Are you dead yet?? George: Only nearly. I just slipped on an icy patch of metatext, that’s all. I’m nearly at the top now. Woodbend: Try to avoid saying anything like ‘I think I’m going to make it’. George: Aaagh! Amber: Or thinking it. George: This lighthouse balcony is covered in hedgehogs! Who covers their balcony in hedgehogs? Amber: Yo, maybe? Or the Marquis de Sade? Woodbend: Don’t worry. Those are the Hedgehogs of Time. They’re here to help. George: Not when I had to take my shoes off to climb this tower, they’re not. Amber: Do they look flammable at all? Could you strike a spark off them? George, gasping with relief now he’s reached (a) the top of the tower and (b) the bit of the top of the tower relatively free of hedgehogs: Okay, I’m at the lantern. And yes, its out. What now? Amber: Look for any kind of NTU-150 device, hold it near the fuel, and switch it on. George: Well, there’s some kind of Bautistamatic tin opener here. I could always try Aaaaghh!!! [The top of the tower blazes with light that shines out across the dimensions. And at the crash site…] Eddie the Imp: You idiot! You should look where you’re piloting your dimension. I just had the perceptual boundaries of my demiplane redone and now you’ve gone and crumpled the horizons! Mad Wendy: Me? You weren’t even watching where your concepts were heading. You were chatting away on that interdimensional conduit of yours not even watching the vortex. Eddie: What, now I’m getting planar movement advice from an entity not old enough to have the training wheels taken off her reality? Women drivers! Mad Wendy: You’re a very rude imp. Get your lame excuse for a conceptional realm out of my dreamscape and go learn the difference between left, right, and slorch. Eddie: Me? You’re the one who didn’t brake when you saw a manifesting demiplane with right of way. I should take you over my knee and give you a good hiding! Mad Wendy: Don’t you threaten me, you nasty sawed-off Christmas tree decoration. Eddie: Or what? You’ll cry at me? The Yurt: Or else Mad Wendy’s friend squash little Keebler man. Eddie: Urk. Mad Wendy: He broke my realm, Yurt. Get him. Eddie: Hey, now wait a minute. We can talk about this. We can… Yurt: Yurt smash little Keebler man. Glory: Wait! Do not fight any more. The disruptions you are causing are ripping apart the Parodyverse. Yurt: Yurt like puppies. Fashion Accessory: Hold it. We’re supposed to be the peacemakers? Us? Ham-Boy: But… we brought Kerry with us. And Harlagaz. Harlagaz: Have at thee, foul Yurt! Let the thumping begin hereforthwith! Hacker Nine: Look, there’s beams of light coming from that familiar-looking lighthouse over there. And there’s information coded in them to untangle your realities and go your own ways. Useful data. Hedgehog inside. Mad Wendy: But it was his fault and he won’t admit it. Eddie the Imp: My fault? She wasn’t paying attention to the omniverse. Kerry: The Lighthouse didn’t warn you there was a problem. So it’s pretty clear that this is Visionary’s fault. Or maybe spiffy’s. But let’s say Vizh since he confiscated my fusion torch again. Eddie: Visionary. Yes, I can see him being to blame. Mad Wendy: Visionary. That bad man. Yurt: Yurt crush puny fake man. Harlagaz: Not until I hast first smitten thee to Tuesday, felon! Rabito: So now we can all go and fall into the coleslaw at Visionary’s party and everything will be back to normal? FA: Well at the very least Al B. will owe us an epilogue. Woodbend Windyway: Well done children. You sorted everything out and now Mad Wendy and Eddie are going their separate ways. [There’s a noise like two tangled dimensions wrenching apart and a time loop unlooping] CrazySugarFreakBoy!: That felt like the longest time I’ve ever taken to eat a cheese whizz. De Brown Streak, climbing from under a table with Uhuna: Can’t say I’m complaining. Woodbend Windyway: Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good… aaaah! My hat’s on fire! My hat’s on fire! Kerry: It’s not like we didn’t warn him about calling us children whole chapters ago. FA: All the same, Kare, I think you’re maturing. You didn’t even try to do anything nasty to Eddie for that Follies of Youth trauma revelation about Shep and our teach. Dancer: Er, you have new information about Follies of Youth? Excuse me, I have an urgent appointment in, um, Latvia. Hallie: What new information? Vizh, what’s she talking about? Vizh? Vizh? Kerry: Yes, FA, I was very mature. I took no revenge at all. Ham-Boy: Kerry… weren’t you carrying Lisa’s cat? [And in Eddie the Imp’s dimension…] Eddie: Who left this manky old orange cushion on my best lounge chair? Let me just toss it in the Aaaaaaaaagghhaaaaaaaghhhgerroffofmeaaaghhhhhhhhhh!!!!! [And back home…] Amber: So it was actually George who climbed the lighthouse, rekindled the flame, broke the timeloop, and saved the day. That’s how desperate he is for a Christmas kiss, Asil. Asil: Who from? George: *sigh* spiffy: God bless us every one. Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright © 2006 reserved by Sarah Shepherdson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright © 2006 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Sarah Shepherdson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by her in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved. |
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